Things I don't do

The crazy woman has friends.

I don't take bread from my shopping cart of junk and throw it on the ground to make flying friends.  I also don't terrorize pedestrians by screaming jibberish and throwing bread at them as they walk by.

This car is smiling at me.

I don't give my car eyelashes.  Is that a normal thing to do?

A friendly public service announcement by a concerned citizen.

When I have a good conspiracy theory, I don't manufacture fake documents and propaganda.  I also don't post it all over sidewalks and building facades.  Is this a good way to run for office?

Buying in bulk saves money.

I don't...actually I do.  Buying 15 bags of chips at a time is great because Amazon delivers them to your door for free!  It saves time and money and only makes you appear slightly odd to others.  I guess this is what it is like to shop at Costco?  Luckily we have this handy storage ottoman for hiding foods that would make our friends assume we are gluttons.